| my horoscopes always ring true... |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|10:37 am] |
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You will feel human again today, Tania. Suddenly, your mind and heart are connecting, and you have control over your actions and emotions. Today would be a great day to get your thoughts down on paper and have some intimate conversations with people you trust. You are at a point in which you are able to make sense of things. Suddenly, issues become crystal clear. Don't waste this fantastic day - use it to your advantage. |
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| i am |
[Mar. 20th, 2008|04:28 pm] |
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in secure and angry. i hate being alive. i hate going to work. i hate my life. i hate this world. i hate me. |
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| horror scope wednesday feburary 28 2008 |
[Feb. 28th, 2008|03:29 am] |
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It's as though you were carrying around an overstuffed sandbag, and each step costs you a huge effort! This would be a good day to identify the source of the trouble. Ask yourself whether you're not sabotaging yourself, because your unconscious is resisting the goals you've set so deliberately. You have a deep inner mystery to solve. |
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| my horoscope just met danny |
[Feb. 23rd, 2008|12:13 pm] |
Enough of this drivel; let's get to the heart of the matter. This is a good day for you to dig deep and uncover the source of what is beneath it all, Tania. No one is going to be able to prove you wrong. Your emotions are sensitive and your ego is grounded. You will find that the masculine and feminine sides of your personality are working harmoniously in order to make you feel self confident and bold.
<3 not feelin so confident |
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| first myspace blog ever |
[Feb. 17th, 2008|11:47 pm] |
"i wish someone would just grab me and help me snap out of it"
Current mood: sad
Category: sooo sad Life
i am trying this whole blogging thing. i figure not many people read them. i don't think i have ever read anyones blog. never one, in my life.
do you ever just get really stressed out?? that's how i feel right now.
i have a huge physcology test tomorrow, i have one day to buy prom ticket(s) and i just don't know whats going on with my school work or math class right now.
i wish someone would just grab me and help me snap out of it.
my mantra right now is this "only a few more days!!!" ugh school is just killing me right now. i havent talked to leandro in over a week. i think it's really hurting my mindset. i still love him more than anything in the world. i hate brasil. i hate that brasilians go back. all the ones i have really loved have gone back or are planning on going back. it just hurts my heart. why can't the people you love surround you? in my life that never happens.
kleber emailed me though, gracias a deus!! i miss him soo much. he is my brother.
i decided no boyfriends for a looooonnnnng time, because that would be like unfair. i just need someone to take my mind off of all this mental sadness. i can pretend to be happy all i want right now but i just am not.
i can't believe i am finally graduating, it really has been so fast. i can't believe how much has changed.
tomorrow i work. i am such a bad waitress sometimes. but sometimes i will give it to myself, i am bomb. like funny, witty and charming. ugh but sometimes everything goes to hell in a handbasket. that's life i guess.
too much stress.
good things!!:
today me and tal went to the gym and i ran over 2 miles in a litttle over 20 minutes. i am very proud. muito orgulrosa. and i did a whole bunch of other cardio shit and weight shit and i am just hopefully one day gonna be ripped like your jeans bitches! haha. i saw every single hott guy at the gym, seth, randy, rudson and michel (they're allright at least, not as hott as seth and randy but whatev) and then there was just all those brittish guys. i almost raped them. and there was some guy that i fell in love with at first site lol. supossedly his name is fabio (which is so gay) but i am not buying it, i just think rudson wanted to get rid of me lol.
then i went to izzabelles birthday shin-dig and all us meninas laughed and joked. and i tried so hard to keep up with the portuguese. i did pretty good. i just love those girls. they make me laugh so hard. and then we had a mini foto-shoot. basically we mind as well all be models. move over giselle!!!
i need to just take some belly breaths and relax.
tomorrow i might need lots of hugs.
<3
10:40 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove |
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| before college blog |
[Feb. 17th, 2008|11:44 pm] |
days off bitchesssss
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Life
i am phsyked because tomorrow is my day off and so is friday. i have been working so hard and saving every penny. maybe i havent been working too hard i just want a break. it's more of a mental thing.
so i have dived into 'Assassination Vacation' (FSC required reading) and i kind of love it. though i don't see the point of it and i can't imagine the prompts we'll have with the essays soon to come. oh jeeze.
i really wanna go to the beach i just get so uncomfterble in my own skin sometimes.
anyways i am amped about volleyball starting and i am amped for life. i am gonna go hit the sack homies.
peace out
Currently listening :
40 Oz. to Freedom
By Sublime
Release date: 23 July, 1996 |
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| prom senior year myspace blog |
[Feb. 17th, 2008|11:43 pm] |
everything is much better, thank god
Current mood: exhausted
Category: exhausted but happy Life
thursday!
I have a prom date thank god, it's alex. he's very handsome and nice which is all i need in a prom date. and he wont try anything weird cuz he's not like that even a little.
i feel so relieved.
i have had more prom dates than any girl should have. that shows you how reliable people are.
now the school just has to approve him.
i am so amped for tomorrow night after work, gonna go out with the girls (and hopefully all the brasilians :P) speaking of brasilians, i talked with leandro today. and it just makes everything okay. he told me that i am allowed to find another boyfriend and that i should look for someone. that bothers me. i will do that when i am ready for it. which isn't now.
ew tonite at work, this cook walked into the big freezer thing behind me and tried to kiss me. i like pushed him away and like hit him. i think he thought he was being funny. he is kinda handsome and really nice but ummm no thank you! i am not going to make-out with anyone at work and that's rude. like just expecting that someone wants to kiss you. boys can be deluded.
on a good note: that psych test wasnt as bad as i thought it was gonna be. thank god young-in and talia take notes!!!
i love those girls.
prom<3 |
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| i wish i were genuine |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|02:23 am] |
i wish i was who i was before leandro left, before high school ended. it's been two years but i still don't know what the fuck to do with myself. i wonder if being lonely is what's making me miserable or if in fact no matter how many changes i make and how much i try i wont be able to figure out how to be happy again. maybe i am suppossed to be alone so i know how to be happy alone. i just don't get it. i don't get me.
i am in complete control of my life but i feel like i am just here for the ride.
people never understood me and they never will so maybe i have become just another person.
i've been told i am a weak minded individual. if you asked anyone who knows me or knew me that was never what you would here. i was unbreakable and so happy. no one got it. i had conviction and purpose and enough love to get by with my whole life. now i am here and just nothing. nothing.
i am a waitress. doing nothing, going nowhere.
no future to speak of. no respect from anyone. a complete lack of respect from strangers.
you teach people how to treat you, so i must have taught the world this.
taught the world that i am nothing and i should be treated as such.
it's what i have been thinking so i get that.
it's my fault. it's difficult to change people's perceptions though. even if i changed their minds what would it change?
maybe i'll find an allright relationship, maybe i'll get knocked up, maybe i'll be a waitress til i am forty. i wont let that happen. i refuse to be alive unhappily into my forties. there is no way i will be a mindless sheep with no where to go and nothing to show for myself.
it wont continue like this. it cant.
people never used to think so little of me. i was who you went to for advice and i had places to go and people to see and an agenda.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i need to not care. i need to not carae at all.
i need to just be happy.
i know this.
its seems impossible so often.
but it's not.
it feels like i am faking it. all the time. i feel fake in every way.
i have never felt fake.
maybe i have never been happy. i always had people who made me happy though. and i have so little of that these days. people have their own lives. people dont need me the way i need them. they have their families and their other halves. my mother drives me insane. my dad infuriates me. i like my aunt and cousin but we dont talk. i love my great grandparents but they are so old that is breaks my heart. and the rest of my family is deranged or mean and i kindof hate them. i know people arent supposed to hate their family but i do. i really do.
everyone i could love or did love left or died or didnt want me. i focus on all this shit. i need to let it go. my friends and i always drift apart. i am the queen of new friends because only a few old ones stuck and they all have their own lives and happenings. i need my own happenings. i dont even care what they are i just want to have some. i have none. i am happening-less.
i feel like i'll go home and remember what those people think of me and it'll help me get through the day. they love me and i know it. they need me and i left them. but had i been there everything would have changed in front of my eyes and i couldnt bear to watch it all go down like that. i miss going to breakfast and getting bacon omelets with emilou and i miss doing eveything with talia and laughing the entire time. i miss augusto and allll the brazilians and getting fucked up every night in the summer. i miss kimmy and em time at t.g.ifridays and oh god i miss going to pufferbellies with alisha, katie and brendan. i miss the irish girls at work. i miss getting stoned with jordan. i miss sneaking erik in and out of my bedroom. i miss cape cod beaches. i miss how everyone at wendys would stop and talk to me one by one at the window. i miss playing voleyball with my day evey thursday night. i miss beach volleyball on monday nights. i miss going to every single movie a million times all FOR FREE. i miss eating brasilian food and learning portuguese. i miss going and chilling at augustos gas station. i miss cappz and his truck. i miss bokkie. i miss leandros appartment. i miss walking around the cape cod mall for hours. i miss a dunkin donuts every block. i miss how it was a ghost town in the winter. i miss hating on the tourists. i miss carly and aimee and all the volleyball girls and how you would always see everyone everywhere. i miss SAM DIEGOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
i miss fried ice cream and my kitty, i miss my backyard. i miss the vegtable garden. i miss how calm the world is when it snows. i miss feeling the world stop when it snows. i miss micheli and stephanie, i miss partying in pats basement. i miss being friends with becca. i miss driving by dy. i miss bobby byrnes. i miss route6A. i miss the bridge. i miss trips to boston, trips to rhode island, trips to framingham. i miss my college volleyball girls. i miss my rommie katie i miss how pretty college was. i miss all the dumb things i ever loved.
why am i so sad?
if i left here i know i'll miss it too.
i hate everything i do to myself.
i hate all the stpid things i say to everyone.
i cant help anyone anymore because now is the time i need help and eveyone who knows anything about me is 2489047 miles away and thinking i am perfectly content.
i am dumb.
my poor mother.
maybe its bcause i am a THC baby. maybe the world sucks. maybe i need to feel like i have a partner in crime. maybe i wish anyone would visit me like they all said they would.
fuck everything. the world sucks.
and i am embarrassed even though inknwo only teo people i know might read this.
i use to be funny.
maybe i am still funny but southerners dont get it. maybe i need to try a different corner of this world. i am just not sure. i feel liek i have left eveything else that meant anything to me. i'll bet there is nothing that can keep me. it'll suck to be far from new friends. even though theres really just five or so. they're a good five. at least i have time to think about it. november isnt so far away though. it'll be here in a heartbeat cuz thats how life will be from now on just one screeching race to our untimely demises.
what do i want before i die? to feel loved.
and to be skinny and to have a big family.
maybe thats why i have no happiness because the things i want are too basic. they arent supposed to be goals. they are supposed to be what you have.
but i probably wont work on anything else until i feel theres a reason to.
life is purposless. i am going to wait tables, pay rent, consume things and destroy things then i am going to die. its the path i am on.
and i hate every inch of it. every single inch.
i want to travel. i know that.
i wanna see the whole world. or at least all the pretty safe parts. i wanna see leandro again. but i refuse because of pride. what am i going to say to him? since the day he left eveything has been hard. and everything has hurt. and no one likes me anymore. i am not who he fell in love with. i don't know what to do with myself. i get that whole skydiving thing only when i feel like this. i wanna trow myself off of somehting but i dont want it to kill me. i want the parachute to open. if only i could take all this shit and feel it at an altitude of 918475 feet and then i bet i would let it all go.
maybe that's my problem. i am not supposed to let it all go which is what i try ot do eveyday of my life. maybe i am suppossed to feel it.
gaygyagygaygyagygyagyagygyagygay
the world is homosexual.
and i am in hate with it.
just my world. i wish i was someone else. or me without my feelings.
i gotta turn off my feelings.
blah.
hapy valentines livejournal. |
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| july 8th 06 |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|02:03 am] |
friday nighhhht
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life
oh so i have my new laptop!!
what??
i am psyked!!!! its so pretty and skinny and perfect....everything every girl wants to be. oh and it's sleek...did i mention sleek? its like a car!! a vehicle to the ouside world. to everything amazing, duh!
okay i need sleep i have to wake up at like 8:00 ewwwwwwwwwwww
i hope people give me lots of money tomorrow at work.
<3
but first i always want to remember what i saw tonight: always and forever:
i saw this couple tonite in the mall parking lot, and you could tell it was their first date and they were so nervous, they liked each other so much and they stood outside their car just talking and talking because you could tell they were so nervous to kiss but they wanted to sooo badly and he was looking at the girl in utter awe and amazment, he is captivated by something in her face. maybe its something behind her eyes that is calling to his soul maybe he just can't believe that someone this perfect for him was looking back at him with the same depth of emotion. and when he finally kissed her you could tell they were beyond in love, it wasnt an obscene kiss, it wasnt an innapropriate kiss. it was sweet, and it was pure and beautiful. young love is a terribly beautiful thing. any sort of love is.
when i saw them tonite i got chills. i wasnt overwhelmingly jealous because i know that it will happen again for me. that one day i will have that nervous emotional, perfect glow inside me.
and i know that some man will look at me just the way leandro did with the same utter amazement and dumb-founded love in his eyes. unable to believe that i love him back.
i am so ready to wait.
as long as i know love is around me, love is infecting other people and that there is hope in the world, i will wait and pray contently.
when it hits me again, i will cherish every kiss, just like its the very first innocent kiss....
maybe one day love will last foreveR?
Currently listening :
On And On
By Jack Johnson
Release date: 06 May, 2003 |
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| to tania from melissa 2008 |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|02:03 am] |
first off; i love the line "we pour our soul into our words and then the computers swallow our souls whole and self destruct because of all the insecurities we feel in every second of everyday is too much for the electricity/plastic combonation to process." such a tania thing to say... OH I MISS YOU!
second off; i cant speak for everyone but i feel like you too. some days nothing goes right, i feel like i'm a loser with no friends and no one that cares for me (even though i have plenty) i feel very dumb like i'm the dumbest person alive...ect.
we're in such different lives and part of the country but here we are feeling the same, confused, non-coherent bullshit that life tends to throw at us.
i'd like to tell you "just hang in there, it'll get better' but thats a very cliché thing to say and the way you're feelin now is not that... almost like the evil pig is comin to get you and Tanni cant escape and Pestulio is there laughin in your face watchin, but not helping.
hahah well here's what i think; dont let this evil pig get the best of you. there is so much you have to offer love. So maybe school isnt your thing, and some of us will never be destined for fame, material wealth or whatever the 'new fab' is BUT here's what i do know...
you're personality is everything! people love you because well even if you're feelin shitty you have the strength to move on with little to no outwardly disturbance and keep strong in front of the weak which gives more people than you know hope and some stability. (or so my mother says... moms for whatever reasons are ALWAYS right so ill take her word blindly) my mom yesterday was just talkin about how you did the best thing in leavin the cape. there was nothing really there for you, for any of us unless you left... we both left. one solid step in the direction of our future.
i was in one of my typical moods this break and Jim told me that growing up gets harder as the years go by because you go from havin little responsibilities to an overwhelming amount to deal with. you're ready. out of everyone i know, i know you're the first one on my list that i would think would make it out there in the real world. you were always so much more mature than anyone at school and one of the few with a realistic world view... it sucks out there.
i know i cant say too much because i'm still in school and classes are my real work... but yeah its rough out there.
you'll do fine. you'll make it. AND yes it will be hard... but life is like that. its great and then it sucks a great lot, and then its ok again. please call me sometimes if you need to because im always here... even if im a million miles away buried here in 9in of snow with your childhood memories.... i'll always be ready to climb any mountain and kill anyone or anything to come help you whenever you need it... hahah thats what sisters are for (even though we're not blood related.... no one needs to know that... just tell them im the red-headed step child lmao) i love you and you've always been so perfect to me!
Posted by melissa on Monday, January 14, 2008 at 9:53 AM |
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| 2008 |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|02:01 am] |
i’m a fuckin waitress and i hope no one ever reads this to be honest
(the following you are about to read has no intelligence or punctuation, there are just stupid thoughts. don't judge me if you decide to keep reading. and yes i agree i am pathetic. but maybe you don't like me to write it because it makes you realize you feel the same way)
"i am a fucking waitress" i just said it aloud.
that is my life.
i am sucked into a shit hole wrapped inside of toilet paper because everyone hates me and life is terrible.
it's how i feel.
other than those crappy hours of my day, i get to go home.
and chill-be peaceful just live.
hate on myself for i think in bursts. it comes it goes. never stays for too long. i feel like i have no friends. when i read this back to myself it sounds like a poem.
it was all the begginnings of evil rants on every terrible aspect of the restaurant biznass and then it faded to poetic giberish.
this is how i think
so i imagine that it must be how i sound.
maybe this is why i try so hard not to talk.
i am glad there is a method to my madness.
i wonder why i want to print this and i wonder why i want to write it when so many people don't write blogs.
i wouldn't dare bring up a blog with a friend but i secretly feed off of the insight into people's lives which i feel like i'm not a part of.
i feel so displaced from humanity
when i think about it.
but then if i ever dared say it who would answer.
this is how i think people.
after every thought and after every sentance practically
i try to not let it bother me but then i post my insecurities in a myspace blog for oh... i'm pretty sure my whole world to see.
is it a cry for attention? so simply just that and only that? why the fuck do i keep typing?? because it's good because it's going to release something? i doubt it.
i'll forget about it i'm not so captive of thoughts for long time spans. i feel like emotions linger but then all is lost again. and now i sound poetic and i wanna throw up in my mouth.
which would be disgusting. disgustion would be a funny way to write that.
i hate how writing has rules and reading is not done by anyone i know.
who reads?
and would they read this bullshit? i write like a two year old. i feel like an eleven year old. am i the product of myself ? or my mother? or what father? i am what she put out into the world?
"that's a question mother" is my internal reaction to that question at first glance. who can answer that question? can i ? am i permitted to make those kinds of decisions for....i feel so hindered and hurt and ego bruised and not good and it would make me feel good to write this and post it. because its what i think.
why do i keep asking questions? i have no answers.
i am devoid of anything for any of this. so i choose not to think. i guess. it sounds so pathetic. this is why i never feel like i have friends even when they are in plain sight of me.
i don't even like getting answers because i just much rather keep questioning. because there are no answers to anything at all . what is right? what is wrong? you decide.
i feel like i was hated on at work. i had a bad night. a bad everlasting day. a tailspinnning nightmare of waitressing hell. worse than any day i have ever had. i dont want to say anything to anyone.
i just want to smolder into nothing.
i feel like i say the dumbest shit.
i dont know if anyone gets me and i am angry.
sometimes i wonder if i am suppossed to be positive
just for the sake of being positive.
everyone looks at me like i am dumb
and like i am crazy. and i am a fat girl in my heart so i automatically assume that they are all thinking about how fat i am. which i am sure they're not because who in their right mind would think that.
except for the fact that i compare every single other female body to mine and scrutinize people i dont know like a mother fucker and pick apart everything about them and their life plus i make up stories for eveyone and i just watch people. i don't know how to interact i just want to connect to people.
this is why i think i am a nut job. i must be a nut-job. no one else in the world does this. no one. i feel so alone. and gay to say that i feel so alone. and now in my own mind i am worrying if that was impoletically correct.
i dont think impoletic is a word now because it sounds like the dumbest word i have ever heard.
it keeps making me giggle.
the word's "politics" i know but whatever.
i don't feel like i know how to live in this world. i guess this is my pathetic cry to the myspace gods for an answer.
because honestly what other gods do i have? i really dont want any of them. to be one hundred percent i am okay with the fact that this piece of blogging retardation will float around because where the fuck else will it go??
nowhere.
because i know i'll think this everyday until something motherfucking clicks.
i am bearing my soul just to once again embarass myself because i feel like there has to be something more to this life than this.
but there is not.
i have no skill i have no talent. i have no money. i am poor and i have credit which is a dangerous thing. and for some reason just to be able to function i need to write all this shit out so i can fucking cope that this world makes no sense to me. and i feel dumb and alone. i feel like an idiot.
i like to mentally verbally abuse myself apparently. it's word vomit. it just upheaves sometimes.
i am a fucking waitress.
now i worry if i hurt anyones feeling just for saying it like that.
words hurt me.
words could break me.
just make me cry a little and then i'd still act the same and hope for things to be nice again. and they usually are. for a little while.
i know other waitresses who like me want to explode before they pretend to laugh and joke and bend over backwards and then gets told she can't handle the pressure.
cant handle the pressure because i got a little teary eyed and excused myself to the bathroom for a moment then went right on working til close even though my feelings are still hurt.
hurt because i felt you were patronizing and degrading my very morality which makes me keep doing this for one second longeR? maybe for half a second i need to cry every now and then because life is too hard for me because i don't get it.
i am a damn nice waitress.
i deliver food.
it's not rocket science.
i play along like your restaurant means something that i am proud to be a part of but then??
be nice to me.
i have nothing i am nothing i aint never gonna be nothing.
i hate that this is how i feel. i am twenty. it's not going to c hange.
i feel like i talk to a rhythm.. i am afraid to write my words down because i am. i just am. which makes me laugh.
they mean so much to me and so little to anyone else.
they are all i have.
that sounded poetic which pisses me off.
are there even such things as poets?
i don't care because i never wanna listen.
maybe.
if they had something relevant to me to say i'd love it. if they had some words for me i'd be exctatic. but only if they were in context and appropriot.
this whole text disgusts me.
i can't believe i wasted so long writing it.
i hate life. ony for a second.
then i feel it and it goes away.
like the hate just leaves. now i am in some sort of calm i guess.
i wonder if all humans think they are god like. we're all evil. i think.
even from birth.
babies are born canabalistic. i wish i could explain it but i can't i never really cared for the info just was interested in the theory and i agreed with it for a moment in time but all i remember about it is that babies show canabalistic tendancies and that maybe we are all fighting nature our whole lives. maybe everyone wants to kill and eat eachother but no one is allowed to talk about it.
or maybe i just think so much silly bizare shit that has no outlet.
maybe that is because i am a product of the internet.
i feel like we all might be.
all of us brainwashed together.
are we all really just workers and consumers?
how do i get out of this ratrace? who in my country isn't a worker?
why do we kiss ass and why are books banned.
should these thoughts be banned?
would someone somewhere die if they were spoken? when i was a freshman i was published. so what does that mean? was mine a name looked over in the grand scheme of things? is there a grand scheme of things?
is it normal to question the scheme of things?
does anyone care if i do?
why did my mother get me a book on banned books for my birthday a few years back? why do i have a very negative thought about saying any of this allowed.
i feel like it's bad. though logically i doubt it is.
i doubt my words have any power or levrage. i am not a part of the war agianst terror or evil. i don't get this world.
i feel like it's still the summer i left home. am i delusional? what would happen if i posted it? i feel like it's something bad.
i don't get anything. i usually delete these raves that i write.
then i wonder. what would happen.
then i realize nothing would happen and it would break my heart.
we all know i am crazy.
i know this.
i am putting it to paper for the first time in my life.
a million miles from my parents and childhood memories.
though i say it every day hoping someone will help me verfy.
i wonder why these walls of these buildings we build up so high are so connected to the earth. which is what we're essentially made of. but we do nothing but add and forget.new new new.
what the fuck is the plan.
i wish i were a part of it but the perks are oh so good. warm matress, nice house, food, car. i think my bosses are testing me to keep my job maybe.
trying to be the biggest douceshes in the first week to try and get me to quit. i dont want to quit but if they fire me whatever.
it was a fucking bad day. and they made a big deal about it.
they didnt like that i teared up maybe?
why do computers get viruses?
i think it's because we pour our soul into our words and then the computers swallow our souls whole and self destruct because of all the insecurities we feel in every second of everyday is too much for the electricity/plastic combonation to process.
maybe that's all death is. powering off.
is it weird to think about that?
i mean we all die someday. i feel pretty indestructable so i know i am not going anywhere anytime soon. unless someone snipes me. perhaps for my thoughts. are they anti-anything that might get me sniped? doubt it.
the truman show is my biggest fear. if you don't know what it is then google it or youtube it. because i don't feel like describing it.
that is grade a paranoia in case you were wondering
i wont pretend to know the stupid workings of a computer.
whatever if everyone else knows i don't and i wont know until someone tells me.
someone with the know how.
who was supposed to tell me how a computer works?
i took computer classes. i don't remember them.
i don't remember anything from school.
it was time wasted in my book. i do remember memories.
that is dumb to say i remember nothing but... i just don't care.
i don't care about school. not gradeschool or highschool or middleschool or college. i don't care.
i want to learn something. .am i some bupkin? and an idiot?
do i know less than possibly everyone who's oppinions i really care about.
i think the answer is yes.
i feel like i care about evryone.
i don't understand why then they don't care about me.
i keep thinking about how i am going to go anywhere with this stupid peice of electrnonic published diary.
i need to wrap it up. my audience is gone. i don't even have an audience.
some of the most important things in life to me are written down. and anything important to me ever i have written down. mostly i was too bored to write. but when i was absolutly fed up and angry or hurt or just mentally fucked i have put it to paper. i have this bizare need to publish my inner anger in this one post. even though now i don't still feel particularly angry.
just apethetic.
i don't care that i am hurt.
we're all hurt.
i just want to still work at papa vitos and live here and be happy except for when i think about anything written before these few words it sounds like i am some deranged delusional mess.
which i don't feel like.
so maybe that is the problem i am a deranged delusional mess and now my computer is making another noise. if i don't post this now then i never will blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
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| may 15th |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|02:00 am] |
i am effing sick
Current mood: sore
i am effing sick. i cannot wait till the end of school. o how i wanna go to the beach and be with my friends everyday. o and how scary/amazing is it gonna be to pack up and leave for college. that sounds just perfect. right now i need to worry about passing math and being the best art student on the face of the planet. oh jeeze.
I just realized, it's exactly my half birthday today. Six months untill i am 19. whatever, 18 and 19 seems like exactly the same. how about this: i'll get excited when i turn twenty-one! fuck yeah.
my throat is swollen to the size of something painful and un-godly.
life just is the worst when that happens. |
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| deleting but need this memory |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|01:57 am] |
i love everything right now.
i am just happy.
yesterday was my grampy-b's 80th birthday. it was so fun. his girlfriend, Carolin, brought her whole family down from Rhode Island. They were so nice. It was nice to be in a big family setting. i have always missed out on that aspect of family life since everyone in my family lives so far away and most of them don't really get along. There was the most gorgeous guy there, it's Carolins grandson. He's gonna be a firefighter. There were two younger boys there. Calon and Jake. Jake was probably eleven, he was so small and he's probably the funniest kid ever. I love him and Calon was cool too. And the goregeous boy had a sister she's so nice. She is finishing getting her masters degree. that's gonna be me in a couple years lol.
I love playing and running around with little boys. when i am (waayyyyy) older i am hope i am going to have a bunch of sons. I just like running around and rough-housing. plus girls cry too much. haha, look who's talking.
I don't understand why i don't have more guy friends, boys are obviously funner. Maybe i am too girlie.
Saturday nite was fun too. until i stupidly gave Brendon my cup and he got kicked out. He is probably the nicest guy ever. i felt stupid. I still had fun though with Caryn and Izzy and steph and augusto was there and all them so it was nice. Whatev. I don't think i feel like going out anymore. I wanna like chill out and do summer things and be with family. I can't wait for Fourth of July. ugh,it's gonna kick so much ass. i am gonna bring a car-full of people this year.
FIVE DAYS LEFT SENIORS!
love it.
i know what i want now [or i think i know] so i am gonna go after it.
i am not a sitter-arounder and wait kinda girl. i'm a go get it kinda one. haha.
leave me comments. i love you all.
TANIA!!!!!!!
may 22 2006 |
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| deleing from myspace and i wantt this memory |
[Feb. 14th, 2008|01:57 am] |
my dad loves me and i know it
It's been almost a year for it to sink in for me that Tania is on her own, and probably won't be back except to visit. Here are my thoughts.
Good.
1. More space to park in the driveway.
2. My razor blades seem to last allot longer.
3. The utilities are lower.
4. One less car to work on.
5. I can dress as I want in my house...(ewwwwwww.)
6. Linda and I have more time together.
7. We have a spare room now.
8. I don't worry about the time she comes home.
9. No more uncomfortable introductions to new friends.
10. It's allot quieter around here.
Bad.
1. The whole house, let alone the driveway, looks empty without her.
2. I'd buy razor blades just to know she is here.
3. Big freakin' deal. If the lights are on, I know she is home.
4. I worked on her car when we visited her over Christmas. Glad to do it. I
just don't back up. ( ask her)
5. She tells me when I look good, and helps me when I don't. I miss it.
6. I miss all the stuff Tania and I did together. Volleyball, Learning how to
drift with the Escort...
7. Not, spare... empty...EMPTY!. Her stuff, but not her.
8. I still don't worry about when, or if, or even where. I just miss seeing her
every day. Even if only for a minute. 60 seconds is priceless now.
9. They were uncomfortable, not me. I trust who she picks to be with. I just
miss seeing her laugh with her best friends.
10. I miss her music. Her singing, Her swearing. Her footsteps.
I miss...... Her. |
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| 1/4 life crisis |
[Feb. 9th, 2008|02:44 pm] |
...furthermore, a factor contributing to quarter-life crisis may be the difficulty in adapting to a workplace environment. In college, professors' expectations are clearly given and students receive frequent feedback on their performance in their courses. One progresses from year to year in the education system. In contrast, within a workplace environment, one may be, for some time, completely unaware of a boss's displeasure with one's performance, or of one's colleagues' dislike of one's personality. One does not automatically make progress. Office politics require interpersonal skills that are largely unnecessary for success in an educational setting. Emerging adults eventually learn these social skills, but this process – sometimes compared to learning another language – is often highly stressful... |
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| gotta love them toasty winter beach days |
[Feb. 7th, 2008|04:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | hungryyy | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah blah blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | current tv | ] |
me and kellyroo sat out an hour on each side and had a pleasant rocket surprise. everyone flocked to the beach in their street clothes to watch the shuttle launch but it just happened that we were mid flip in our sun soaking excursion. pretty sweet.
now i am hungry. starving. my insides are angry. but i am holding out for pan[t]era bread. mmmm.
sooooooo excited.
i need to keep preoccupied so i'm headed to the post office to see if i have any boxes from my mother.
off like a prom dress |
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| open your heart and let the good suff out, water me girl and let me ease the draught,... |
[Feb. 7th, 2008|02:59 am] |
work work work.
welcome to DOG's. it feels like i've been working non-stop forever. it feels good and all but it's been a week and a half. i need a hobby or a side project, anything to keep my hands and brain occupied with a little fun.
i counted all the boys i have kissed in my lifetime and i got to twenty-one.
and i started my kissing career at fifteen. i wonder if maybe i'm a kissaholic. at least i'm not a go-all-the-way-a-holic.
i love really long hyphenated words. they're just plain fun.
i think kelly and i need to start a tee-shirt company. and that's only partly because of the Degrassi episode we watched.
it just seems do-able. and profitable, all rolled into one.
tommorrow i am GOING to get some sun. i hope you felt the determination from those capitalized letters. because they're not messing around. i still have no bathingsuit top since it was stolen a few weeks ago but whatever. i'll go topless. and definitely tank-top-full.
i am in a good mood. and i don't suck, i'm not horrible and i like myself. in case you were wondering, which i'm sure you were.
oh and for the memory banks, tonight me and kelly went through the drivethru and i had my first conversation with my soon to be something hopeful.
his name is brandon, he looks like jake epstein, he has good teeth and he's so tall.
i don't care if it's crazy but i know what i like and he has potential.
i don't care how many frosties it takes. there will be some investigation into this boy. no more lonely slummy boyfriends. i am willing to go on a limb if it means something true. afterall they wouldn't call it "falling" in love if you weren't taking a leap of faith.
who knows he could be nothing special. or he could be my future wonderful.
i'll never know if i don't keep up this fearless ballsy-ocity as i like to call it.
the convo went like this:
"something something smile how come everytime i work i see you"
(obviously not because i am stalking him)
"probably because you're so cute"
(like that made any sense)
haha. i don't care. he was smiling, i was smiling. it was, undoubtedly, a moment.
:p |
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| dreary day of greys |
[Feb. 1st, 2008|03:02 pm] |
rest in peace holly young. here marks the second death of my friends and classmates. i'm glad i'm not home because i don't have to accept it here, it's just a concept, never having heard the spoken words. it's chilly. just a smidge. i work tonight. i will make at least $100, no question. i need seven hundred then i can go home for a few days. i can't wait to see home. it's been almost a year. it's weird to think about how life goes on even when i'm not there to see it go. i can't imagine how much everything might have changed because i know i barely even recognize myself these days. even though life is about creating yourself i still wait for the variables of the world around to define me.
i like when the weather matches my mood. it makes me feel vindicated, like maybe the world knows my heart. maybe i be crazy.
it's february. which means augusto's, aimees and kelly's birthday. my best friends are always aquarius's and aries's. kelly's on the cusp. maybe that's why she sucks ;p
i have to shower, hem, bandage and then ska-doodle off to work. i am not feelin' it today.
somedays my ho-hum life just seems worthless and today is one of them. wow way to complain. i'll be better tomorrow. either way i'll still smile at the re-run dance. the only joy i'm finding these days are in television and babies.
blah blah. blah blah blah.
missing people is a weird feeling.
and pointless.
thing's change. it's life. change is good and important and necessary for growth.
"doctor, i'm getting a little tired of this sexual innuendo"
"...in your end-o"
somedays i still need a hug from my mom, today's one of 'em.
my head's a mess and so is my room. i feel bad for my roommates because lately i can't seem to bring myself to clean.
my next livejournal entry will focus on the good parts of life but today all the bad is piled too high to ignore. so i'm venting. |
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| pimpin' since been pimpin' |
[Dec. 13th, 2006|09:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dorm room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | irenes television on the UPN channel | ] |
i cant think of anything to write. weirddddd.
whatev.
<3333 peace and love niggazzzzz |
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| an essay i wrote about myself, to myself, speech to get me un-phunked if you will.... |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|10:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  i haven't decided yet... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | weezer [the blue album] | ] |
Until you are an adult you are essentially lawn furniture, you have no rights, you are told where to be, what to do, you abide by the parameters the school has set for you, you finish all the obligations your parents have assigned and expected of you. But now you are entering into your own lives. And life is what you make of it.
So don’t waste these precious moments with apathy…
If you don't like your life the way it is change it.
Make yourself happy.
Be who you are and be content.
…Everyone makes mistakes; just don't make the same mistake twice.
And just because you fucked it up at first doesn’t mean you can’t make it right.
This is not the beginning of the end of your lives, this is just the end of the beginning, and there is so much ahead of you, so much potential. Don’t overlook all the greatness to come, all the amazing strides you'll make in the next few years of your life, all the life changes you'll make and all the hurdles you'll have to leap. It’s not about where we end up in the long run. Life is about living each moment and appreciating it so once it's changed or it's gone you can look back and think about all the good times and the lessons learned. Not the "uh-oh’s” and the regrets you have. No one has had the perfect life. None of your childhoods have been exactly what they were meant to be, certainly not what you deserved. But every family keeps functioning through the dysfunction. Think about all the family drama you've all learned to deal with all the tears you've cried all of the people who you COME from who hurt you directly or indirectly. Look at surviving till eighteen to be an accomplishment. You have officially survived your family. You have survived all the mistakes you’ve made, all the mistakes they made.
Think about all the social situations you’ve overcome and how much you’ve changed even just in the past four years.
Growing up has been quite an adventure. You've all taken some punches, thrown some, been screamed at, screamed. You have hurt to the point of wishing that tomorrow wouldn't come, but then it came and you were thankful. You’ve all been so lonely that it made your hearts ache.
Life is not easy…not even a little.
But it is worth it.
You need to make the best of it and remember all the hugs that made you cry harder simply for the reason that you needed it so bad.
The kisses.
The cartwheels.
It's the sunrise over the ocean…
The nights you spent lying on your roof watching a meteorite shower that made life feel so right.
So just.
So... pristine.
It's the fireflies you chased…
The flowers you held behind your ear that sunny day that remind you of all the smiles you smiled and the content-ness that left you breathless.
It's all the times you've laughed so contagiously that it felt like one more gasp of air would be your mortal undoing that make all the tears okay.
When you close your eyes at night know this:
Even if your world is unraveling and you're stuck in a phunk and you are an overwhelmed stress-bucket it's okay because at least you are alive. Your life is for the taking right now.
It is literally in the palm of YOUR hands.
YOU are in charge.
Completely responsible for the outcome.
Doesn't it feel so empowering...so tangible….
You don't even know the half of what is around the corner for you. You are bound by nothing but self-doubt and fear. That means no one is holding you down but yourself. You have no obligations, no due dates.
Everything is for the taking.
That is what it is to be this age….
When you are your only hope and your own worst enemy.
But maybe if you all throw caution to the wind and accept yourself for yourself the self-doubt and fear would vanish and you would be purely in love with life and possibility.
Make yourself, your vivacious and unbound-self immortal and never forget…
But do move on.
Forgive yourself for all that you keep in your soul; you are your only hope.
Don’t let it linger. It will haunt you. Retribution is not necessary, the only person in the world you owe ANYTHING to is yourself. It is a gift, an act of love to share yourself with the world and to accept others into your lives. It is a compromise and a commitment to maintain relationships but remember that the only love that will complete you is the love you have within your own self.
Love is freedom.
The freedom that the world is entrusting in you is to make your own decisions. Fight the censorship tearing at you from the inside. Fight the censorship of emotion, of love. Peacefully co-exist but radically make positive changes so perhaps you can relinquish the apathy surging through your every vein…
With each momentous second time is pressing on with or without you but now the difference is that you are no longer the worlds lawn furniture…
Your voice is finally yours…
Finally almost yours... |
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taniaclickclick's journal
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